normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
