The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
