I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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