im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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