we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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