I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
