Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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