Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Of course I have a pirate flag
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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