i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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