I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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