Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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