Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
