I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Bring me that man meat
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
