Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
