hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
