New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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