just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
ttyl tear gas
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
