So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
