i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
