I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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