i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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