god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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