ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
