I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize