Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
