That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
