yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
