I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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