Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
