Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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