when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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