If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
