The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
