She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
