hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
