Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize