my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
