I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
too bad you live with your parents still
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize