mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
