my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
