You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
