It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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