can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize