covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
