I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
It's Friday. Sex?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
