Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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