my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
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