why im i the only drunk person in the library?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
