you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
