Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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