well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize