Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize