don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize