We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Vodka?
Forever.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
