just tell him i said nine months
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
