me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
