Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
