My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
