Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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