Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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