So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize