I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
