I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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