my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
