Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
