It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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