I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
