please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
