Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
